'...I'm just a late bloomer. I ain't peak in high school, I'm still out here gettin cuter.'
- Jack Harlow
I have never in my Black American life related to anything a white man has said with such vigor.
I'll be honest - in my younger years, I would poke fun at people who seemed to have found their youth later in life. Now that I am getting closer to the top of the hill, I kinda want to punch my younger self. Not hard, just a light lil pop on the back of the head - BOP!
I get it now. Our lives and the experiences within them are varied, life changing, devastating, and sometimes joyful. A good chunk of my life was dedicated to depression, anxiety and night terrors. It was hard to live a full life when you're afraid to go to sleep at night. When you feel hands on you when there is no one around you. Sexual abuse is a rank bitch to the mind. Went through six years of that shit; 6 - 12. Its hard to live when you want to die all the time. And I almost did. 2018 was a roller coaster year. I'm talkin the Raptor at Cedar Point. Twists, turns, feet danglin over nothing, unable to touch the ground, flailing about, my giraffe ass neck on newborn, gettin whiplash n' shit. At the top of that year, I tried to take myself out the game of Life twice. In two different states. In the first 4 months. By the 4th month, I was in a psych ward. For a month. It was preceded by three years of torment, pain, and cruelty at the hands of people I trusted with my life and heart. And this may sound petty (idgaf, complain to ya mama about it), but they were scorpios; bitch, I will NEVER make the mistake of trusting another scorpio man. Their cruelty and general fuckery is only matched by their mounting insecurities which drives their pathetic need to constantly over inflate their sense of self importance by flexing their 'authority' or dominance over someone they KNOW they can fuck with. That's what makes them so pathetic - they only ever go after people they know can't defend themselves to feel 'in control'.
I will NOT be controlled. Way too Leo for that shit. #LeoGang GANG, GANG, GANG, BITCH! LMAO
But taking back control of my life was not easy. I had a lot of missteps, had a lot of miscalculations and a few 'series of unfortunate events' type shit. I had spent decades not feeling like I had a handle on anything, least of all my life. I wasn't in control but always controlled. Things would be fine for a minute, then the bottom would drop out from under me and it was back to hearing everything that was wrong with me. The 'I-told-you-so's'; the veiled insults; the low blows; the 'you could've been somebody's; the side comments; the disappointed/disgusted looks whenever I walked into a room of people I was expected to become. My sense of self worth was tied up in achievements I hadn't achieved. And my father wouldn't let me forget it. I was never good enough. No matter what I did, I fell short of proving my worthiness.
It took me years to regain some semblance of real confidence. Not the façade I used to put on to appease others and shield my own wilted self esteem. But genuine, walk into a room like I know I'm THAT bitch, confidence.
I used to be ashamed of not finding my authentic self until so late in life. I had to literally dig my self worth out of the grave it was buried in. Buried by failed expectations, failed relationships, failed life goals, etc. I had failed myself, I had failed my kids, I was just failing with everything it seemed like. Now, I'm not gonna sit up here and act like I was not an active participant in my own demise. I stopped taking care of myself. Beat myself up repeatedly, sometimes literally. I ate like shit. I was a depressed couch potato when I wasn't working. Funny, but throughout all my bullshit, a bitch kept a job. How the fuck was I gonna feed my depression if I didn't have money for fried food and sweets? lol No, I'm not an angel, but I'm not a demon either. I didn't and don't go around plottin' on folks, seeking revenge or vengeance, I don't start fights (I finish them), and I don't fuck people over for my own personal gain or entertainment. I'm not and never will be that type of dirty cunt. But I WAS too fucking nice and too fucking accommodating, and people will take advantage of that. Crip walk all over you. Gleefully. I didn't stand up for myself when I should've. I didn't like confrontation. I just wanted to love and be loved and that lead me to make some stupid ass choices. I own that shit. Have to. Too old to lie to myself. And nan bitch will ever be able to read me better than I can read my damn self. I had an opportunity to get help when I was 25. I started therapy - art therapy, individual therapy, group therapy, I did all the fuckin therapy. But once they started talking medications, I dipped out. I was afraid to take pills to be mentally stable. Well, more like I was afraid to admit that I needed to take pills to be mentally stable. Because that would mean something was for real wrong with me. And all I could think about was my mother's voice when I told her I was being touched - 'Do you want people to think there's something wrong with you?' She regretted saying that later in life, and I know it wasn't her intention to hurt me. But it still burned a hole in my soul. That shit hurt deep.
I want to really get out here and LIVE because being alive means something different to me now. I'm worth investing in. I'm worth the effort. I'm just fucking worth it.
Now that I am stepping into this new healing era, I want to do a deep dive discovery of myself. I'm up for it now. I have the energy now. I have the drive, the motivation, the desire, the love and support - and the proper medications. My mind has never been so clear. I want to document this. I want a visual of myself. I used to be really bad about taking pics of myself, I don't have a lot of those. I want to change that. I quit smoking cigarettes last year and lost a shit ton of weight, so now I want to tone up and learn how to box properly. I want to try that shit. I used to eat terribly, but my body doesn't like junk food like that now. I want to learn to cook new shit. I've never been big into makeup because I didn't know wtf I was doing. I want to learn how to do that shit. I want to finish my degree. I want to practice better self care. I want to really get out here and LIVE because being alive means something different to me now. I'm worth investing in. I'm worth the effort. I'm just fucking worth it.
I always had an ideal image of my best self living in my mind. That girl in my head was everything I wanted to be. She was everything I thought I wasn't capable of being. I didn't believe that I was good enough to be her. But I will never shame the person I used to be. I want to show that desperately sad girl that her pain, and her suffering was not in vain. It was not for nothing. I want to give her the unconditional love she needed, the comfort she needed, the encouragement she needed and the protection she craved. I want to be the hero she used to pray and cry for. I can still save her.
I'm going to dedicate this year, and this second act of my life to her. To little Karen. I'm going to show her I am everything she always was - good enough.
Let's get it.
- K. Jr.