After so many years of BS, reminding myself to be grateful is essential. I have come so far in my journey and sometimes my everyday issues keep me from appreciating the wonderful things in front of me. Acknowledging the ways in which I have been healed instead of focusing on the ways I still need to. Acknowledging the way I've grown as a person, as a woman, instead of constantly looking for ways to grow in too many directions at once. But what is the driving force of being so hard on myself? Honestly? Forgiveness. Or lack thereof.
My life could've gone a million different ways than what it did had I made better decisions in the past. But not forgiving yourself and deep diving into the shoulda-coulda-woulda mind fuck will have you thinking your future has already been written by your past. That you've reached the last chapter in the book of life's wonderful possibilities. Now, if you're a cold-blooded murderer, rapist/pedophile, or abuser, it probably should be the last chapter before they throw the book clean at ya bitchass, ima just give you over to God and let it go. For the rest of us? Let's not be so fatalistic.
Forgive the person you were. Forgive them for what they thought they had to do to survive. Forgive what they thought had to do to protect themselves. Forgive them for the mistakes they made. Forgive them for the things they've said to you over the years that kept you from thinking you deserve good things. Forgive them, then you will truly forgive yourself and start to heal because that person was still YOU, and without that person's experiences, failures, setbacks, and even mistakes, you wouldn't have much of a testimony to give. Everybody wants to forgive themselves for the things they do to other people but stop short at their own reflection.
I'm grateful for forgiving myself, even if I have to do it often. Now, forgiving yourself isn't absolving yourself of accountability. Forgiving is taking accountability for your circumstances without beating yourself over the head with your mistakes and missteps. I used to think that if I punished myself a little more, life would stop punishing me. But shit don't work like that. I wish I had stopped beating myself and echoing other's negative thoughts about me to myself. I still, if I'm being honest, get angry with the person I was when I deal with a situation I should've/could've prepared myself for by being who I needed to be back then. However, I am actively participating in the process of learning to be grateful that I can handle it now as the person I needed to become. And I wouldn't have become who I needed to be without being who I was in the past. And forgiving her for it.
I am grateful forgiving for myself.