Hello. You probably been like, 'where this heffa been', or 'Harpo who dis woman', or 'ugh...here she go, AGAIN.' Trust me - I've been saying these things to myself on a regular basis. My life has taken some dramatic turns in a very short period of time. And they've been great turns! My baby girl is home and starting a new chapter of life, I have this great new job, we're able to pay a few more bills down - I should be doing cartwheels in the yard! But instead, I have been filled with a slight dread. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, because that's what I'm used to happening. I have all of these great ideas and great things I want to do, but, if I'm being honest, my fear and insecurities have been kickin my ass. Along with their raggedy friends doubt and procrastination.
They've been eating me alive for MONTHS. Then came the thoughts of not being deserving of good things happening to me. Anytime something good came along, I would feel pride and accomplished; I start thinking about all the moves I want to make and the creative work I want to do. Then I immediately start reminding myself of past mistakes and how I crashed and burned in whatever way previously and...I freeze up. I freeze right the fuck up. I am literally afraid of my own potential. I get stuck in thinking I will never be more than my fuck ups. But that's my father talking, and I really have to work on erasing his voice of disappointment and disapproval, the things he's said, echoing in my head. I have to stop seeing myself through his eyes. I am so much more than my mistakes. I am so much more than my past, and I've worked fucking HARD to be where I'm at. I lose sight of that so often, and it's from never thinking I deserved it. Like I was somehow tainted with failure and not to get too ahead of myself. I feel like I've lost my mojo. My energy is shit, my drive is going 20mph and I'm fucking tired a lot.
While all of that is zooming around my head, it was easy to get stuck in limbo. So, I had to sit down, and do a quick reassessment: what was REALLY going on? What factors are playing into how I'm feeling, and what is my mental overreacting to that is trying to send me into a spiral? Well, I'm entering a new phase in my life and its exciting and terrifying all at once. I'll be 41, which means I can't afford to wallow in my emotional muck for too long. And I'm really glad that I was able to recognize it before I feel too far down into a hole - much too much to do! I have to pay extra close attention to my body, finalize retirement plans, iron out new family plans - and that's one of those things that people forget sometimes. Your family will repeatedly change as your family gets older. Your needs will be different, your wants will be different because everyone is going through a different stage of life. Attitudes need changing. Your approach needs changing. Communication changes, it becomes more intense and involved. All of that can be pretty overwhelming because, where the fuck does sleep fit in all that? Can a bitch be more involved with naptime?
I'm trying to navigate a new schedule for myself and that has been one fucking flop after another. I'm no longer moving my body on a regular basis like I was with my old job doing manual labor. I mean, say what you will about it, but I actually enjoy manual labor jobs. Sure, I was tired as fuck and my body hurt like a motherfucker but it lowkey kept me healthy, it's not like I was going to the gym or some shit. My energy was on 10! The scheduling at my old job also afforded me much more time to devote to my personal pursuits. My current job, although great, is extremely tedious and time consuming and I'm in a chair all day. My personal time went to shit. Also, doing the show with Phee was really helping me keep my mental in line and I didn't even realize it. Because it never felt like work. I was organized, disciplined, my scheduling was on point. I was like 'damn, I need to get back to THAT.'
After sitting down and throwing all these factors together, it painted a much clearer picture. I'm not some failure and I'm not crazier than I already am, I'm just a little overwhelmed and need to re-center myself. My life has swiftly altered, in a good way, and I just need to readjust my time, schedule and priorities. Taking this objective step back to check myself allowed me to not beat myself up over nothing. It is difficult to navigate through a lot of my past some days but, I have to start telling myself on daily that I am not my mistakes and that I am deserving of happiness. I am deserving of good things. I'm allowed to enjoy my wins. I was so tied down by fear for so long and I'm fucking over that shit. I have to stop this 'worst case scenario' thinking and just DO it. Do fucking all of it. I CAN do this. I AM worthy of good things. I AM deserving of my current and future successes. I AM fucking ENOUGH as I AM. And I must never lose sight of that.