Working on my shadows allowed me to better see the light.
Johnny Lawrence from Cobra Kai on Netflix is a visual of my shadow self. A fictional character that I would normally distance myself from. But there is something I recognize in that character that I am embarrassed to admit that I relate to. My shadow of failure and rage.
It is painful to even admit to but, although I cannot relate to a lot of his experiences, what I can relate to is failing as a parent and holding on to the past.
Johnny was an asshole. He was boorish. Cocky. Just a mean son of a bitch. But when he woke up on the mat face down after Danny LaRusso went across his face with his lil weird ass kick, he was a different person. It was brutal on his spirit. That loss, the rejection, the shaming/beating from his sensai, who was the biggest of assholes, broke him down to nothing but a shell of a person. His poison was alcohol and rage. Mine was depression and rage. But he battled his way through. Got a second chance. I can definitely relate to that. Second chances. Life’s second act. Our second act in life can be the best chapters of our lives. He found hope in being needed. Being wanted. If you step back further into his past (listen, I’m fully aware this is a fictional person and story, but fucking go with it, points will be made), you’ll see him not being wanted. From the beginning. His biological father bounced. His step father was a prick who only knew how to throw money at his problems and at the people in his life. Never mind that he through those money stacks too hard and they just ended up hurting people even more, just in different ways. But he didn’t give a fuck. And his sensai...we all knew he was a psychotic shithead.
That emotional isolation, inability to communicate those emotions from never being able to explore and express those motions properly, the inability to control impulses, not liking self...it destroyed him, almost completely. The most damaging insecurity was not trusting self. How do you trust someone you don’t even know? He didn’t have an identity outside of Cobra Kai. And without that...he could no longer ignore the person in the mirror he was hiding from. A person he tried to bury. Because he was a fucking stranger. And what do you do with something you don’t understand and have a shit sensai? Strike first, strike hard, no mercy. I can’t relate to any of that shit. Or can I?
Johnny has a kid named Robby. He hasn’t been in this kid’s life for 16 years. He allowed the unfinished emotional business of his past destroy anything good in his life, including his relationship with Robby. His anger was toxic, and it enabled and encouraged his selfishness. He gave up on himself. And when he did that, he gave up on his son. So when he swoops in to try to parent, he gets a prompt rejection, and a lengthy monologue about just how much of a shit parent he was. Robby’s anger is justified. And he gives his dad a LOT of shit. No respect. Just hollow civility and decorum. Even though Johnny was trying to make amends, he kept getting rejected. But, what I can respect about him is that he never gave up trying. I respect the fact he could acknowledge his failures and attempt to make amends. A lot of parents are not equipped to do that. And life isn’t a TV show with tidy endings.
It is painful to even admit to, but although I cannot relate to a lot of his experiences, what I can relate to is failing as a parent and holding on to the past. In my five year struggle with homelessness, mental illness, betrayals and my own personal failings, I failed my kids. I wasn’t there when they needed me because I could barely help myself, and chose the wrong person to trust. I should have been able to trust myself. But I wasn't. My choice, my fault. The reasons for my failures as a parent and Johnny’s are different, but the failure is the same. The hurt it caused the people we brought into this world is the same. In that regard, I have more in common with this fictional white karate guy than I’m comfortable with. But facing your shadows is uncomfortable, necessary shit. Sitting down with my kids and admitting my failures, acknowledging what those failures were, and apologizing to them was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do as a parent. To admit that I had fucked up. I was afraid. I was afraid they would hate me. That they would believe the things said about me and that it would cause them to not love me anymore. That I would get the same anger that Robby gave John. I was constantly afraid of messing up so bad that a person stops loving me. Lose respect for me. However, let me tell you about unconditional love.
After I did this, my children looked at me and told me how much they loved and appreciated me. And that they didn’t hate me. That it couldn’t be further from the truth. My son said, ‘I don’t care what anyone says about you, WE know that you are an amazing mom trying to make things right.’ My daughter held my hand and told me ‘Stop apologizing. We KNOW you. And we know you're doing your best.’ They both reassured me that they loved me. I am still in the process of making things right with my kids. Making amends. Their forgiveness and love was a great start but I’m nowhere near done. I never will be, really. I owe them much more that what they got. I will be working on that my whole life because I owe them that. We as parents owe our children accountability for our mistakes. How are they going to do it if you don’t show them what that looks like? I’ve reached a point in my life where I don’t care who loves me or not. Because my kids tell me I’m awesome. They love me. They love me unconditionally. And that’s all the validation my heart needs, and permission my mind needs to let go of whoever didn’t or doesn't love me unconditionally. They had already let me go. Gave up on me. Banished me. Turned their back on me. Why was I the only one holding on, hoping he would love me again? Why was I holding on to some else’s untamed shadow? I had to let that go.
Facing your shadow is difficult because you have to take accountability for any and all damage your shadow self has caused and, depending on what you’ve done, that’s a lot to swallow. And nobody wants to admit they were wrong. That they made a mistake. That all that anger and resentment and frustration was directed at the wrong person. No one sees themselves as a hurtful person. We all want to be, and want others to believe, that we are good people. And for the most part, we are. But we can’t live in denial and continue to hide these shadows away and expect to be good people, it doesn't work like that. You can't hide from your shadows behind your money, your material possessions, or your achievements, which is a very Black generational issue our parents have, where your worth as a person is attached to achievement and not being a decent human being, but our parent's insecurities are a topic for another series. Avoiding our shadows doesn’t make them go away. They’re not going to ‘take care of themselves’. I don’t know how the fuck that’s suppose to work, these are our shadow selves we're talking about – they are fucking crazy, they dancin’ to ‘Worst Behavior’ in a fuckin hurricane made out of the remnants of the life you USED to have before you left them unsupervised to 'take care of themselves'. They can absolutely NOT take care of themselves, they act like unruly toddlers if you let them run amuck; they need constant supervision and discipline. Which is why we do shadow work. Reigning in our worst attributes, actions, fears and patterns, and you either work around them or learn how to better cope with them so they don’t reek havoc on your life from the shadows. But the only way to do that is to get real honest with yourself. Humble yourself, you’re not that great – yet. Shit, neither am I! What’s that saying? ‘God ain’t through with me yet.’ That’s true for all of us. Our purpose is always clear and present - its just waiting on us to get our mental and emotional shit together so we can be ready.
Its okay to feel that failure pain. That ‘I fucked up’ pain. That ‘this is my fault’ pain. That ‘I hurt people’ pain. Own that pain. Feel that shit. Every piece of it so you will always remember what you don’t want to go back to, but be careful to not wallow in it. No genuine progress is born out of sulking. It all starts with looking in the mirror, past our own image, and staring down your shadow. Confront that shit. Face that shit.
And when you do, unpack that shit.